How to Win Votes

How to Win Votes
(Filed under: #ElectionHumor)

These are the various strategies that I have observed politicians in general employed in the last elections in order to win votes. Did I miss anything?

Trumpet your achievements matter-of-factly as proof of solid track record. [GANITO DAPAT]

Present an attractive, progressive, visionary, but realistic, achievable platform of governance. [GANITO DAPAT]

Be honest and sincere with your agenda, be true to yourself or don't try to be who you are not. [GANITO DAPAT]

Promise the moon and the sun and the whole darned universe. [HUWAG TULARAN]

Promise not to implement taxation laws without revealing where to source your funds. [VERY EFFECTIVE PERO HUWAG TULARAN BECAUSE DECEPTIVE AND HYPOCRITICAL UNLESS OUR COUNTRY IS ULTRARICH LIKE BRUNEI. GUESS SAAN KUKUNIN ANG SWELDO NG NAGPROMISE NITO AT SAAN HUHUGUTIN ANG PANG-AYUDA NIYA. BESIDES, ELECTED OFFICIALS ARE OBLIGED TO LEVY TAXES ALLOWED BY LAW. EVEN DO-GOODER VICO SOTTO AY NANININGIL NG TAX.]

For business permits, public market stall fees, parking fees, and the like, promise not to make singil, or not to issue anything, or at least accept only a very minimal amount of payment. [HUWAG TULARAN, UNLESS THE RATES ARE TRULY EXCESSIVE.]

Promise that all senior citizens will receive regular pension under your watch without telling where exactly to source the humongous funds. [HUWAG TULARAN]

Promise to open a franchise for anyone who wants to be a tricycle driver without regard for market demand and the carrying capacity of the local road system in consultation with the riding public and the TODAs. [HUWAG TULARAN]

Be, look like, or play the underdog. [OK TO KUNG BINABATO AT KINAKAWAWA KA NG DI MO DASURB]

Monitor social media convos and reacts and play around people's fears, exploit their complaints, etc., even if invalid or unreasonable, against the other contender. Then hire a troll farm or army of keyboard bashers to do the dirty job for you. [HUWAG TULARAN]

Invent bad stories against fellow candidates. Launch a demolition job using invalid or untruthful reasons. [HUWAG TULARAN]

During campaigns, ance the budots. Or Paru-Paro G. Or both. Or sing. [HUWAG TULARAN, UNLESS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AT MERON NAMANG MAGANDANG PLATAPORMA.]

Be famous. Be an artista, or at least any kind of celebrity. [OKAY LANG TO KUNG ALAM MO NAMAN KUNG PAANO MAGSILBI NG TAPAT AT TUNAY.]

Donate a basketball ball or a basketball ring to local teenagers or athletes. [HIGH IMPACT BA? MUKHA.]

Come off as makamasa and not sosyal or snooty. Ride tricycles or public transport. Visibly eat isaw at the street corner. Distribute ayuda or relief goods in person by boat during flood and the like. Embrace or hug tightly the mahihirap in person. [QUITE EFFECTIVE HA, BUT OK LANG NA HINDI, BASTA BE TRUE TO YOURSELF AND NOT BE OROCAN.]

Campaign in person house to house, shake hands, embrace people like you knew them since birth. [NO NEED FOR ME, KAPAGOD, PWEDE NAMAN SA SOCIAL MEDIA AT ONCE IN A WHILE OR MINSANAN NA ANG F2F.]

Come off as mabait or kind and not masungit or suplada. [BASTA SA TRUE NOT KAPLASTIKAN OK?]

Speak the locals' language. [SA IBA, ISYU ITO. I DON'T CARE. ANG TANONG KUNG EFFECTIVE KA NAMAN MAGSERBISYO, MEANING MAY OUTPUT TALAGA.]

Be a native-born candidate. [MADALING GAWING ISSUE AGAINST, PERO I DONT CARE. WHAT MATTERS TO ME IS YOUR ACTUAL OUTPUT, NOT THE BULLSHIT YOU SPOUT.]

Hook viewers with a catchy tagline, such as, "Gusto ko happy ka!" [OK, PERO PANGATAWANAN HA PAG NANALO, OR ELSE BIBITAYIN NG PATIWARIK.]

Buy votes through pakurong or whatever the heck it is called in your evil, godforsaken place. [HUWAG TULARAN, PERO BA'T KA NAG-EEXPECT NA BOTANTE? DI KA BA NAHIHIYA NA IBEBENTA MO ANG BOTO MO?]

Smile your way through victory. [IT HELPS BUT WHAT ARE CLOSEUP SMILES FOR? I NEED CASH. JOKE.]

Be physically present in all important public events, especially during the campaign period. [OK, BUT DI NYO BA INABUTAN ANG ZOOM VIDEOS DURING THE PANDEMIC?]

Build something in your name. [PWEDE PERO BAWAL ITO SA ANTI-EPAL LAW EH IFYOU ARE USING TAXPAYER MONEY.]

Donate a volleyball ball or other useful things with your name on it. [GANITO GINAWA NI BONG GO.]

Build a Malasakit Center in hospitals. [ANG GALING NG STRATEGY NI BONG GO HA. NAG-NUMBER ONE TULOY SA SURVEY! PRESUMING HONEST YUNG SURVEY NA YAN.]

Make the children, in particular, happy by donating toys. A nice item would be toy cars that little kids would love to ride and show around. [HIGH IMPACT...FOR THE KIDS AND THEIR GRATEFUL PARENTS. JUST TELL THE KIDS NOT TO DRIVE OUTSIDE THE YARD.]

Be young, pogi, articulate, maporma, or pretty and charming. [IT WORKS HA! NEVER BEEN MY BASIS, JUST SAYING IT WORKS, ESPECIALLY FOR YOUNG IMPRESSIONABLE VOTERS.]

Have a popular surname. [PLUS FACTOR TO MANY. BUT NO NEED FOR ME. I DON'T CARE THAT MUCH WHO YOUR RELATIVES ARE.]

Be a relative to all. Call everyone insan or pare, mare. [PLUS FACTOR]

Be a popular and populist media personality who focuses on how people in the margins can hold those in power and authority accountable fast -- and live on air. [WORKED FOR NOLI, LOREN, AND NOW THE TULFOS BUT FOR SOME REASON NOT FOR WILLY REVILLAME.]

Have lots of relatives. [IT WORKS, BUT I DON'T CARE.]

Use a name that is easy to recall and does not sound too foreign or intimidating. [IT WORKS, BUT I DON'T CARE.]

Use a popular nickname. [IT WORKS, BUT I DON'T CARE.]

Offer freebies like libreng tuli (free circumcision), libreng bunot (free dental extraction), etc. through medical missions and the like. [IT WORKS, BUT WHAT MATTERS IS THE ACTUAL OUTPUT DURING THE PERIOD OF SERVICE, NOT PALLIATIVE EFFORTS AND PAKITANG TAO.]

Give away little things with your face and name on it such as rice packs, detergent bar, liquid detergent, pail, dipper, canned goods, instant noodles, bagoong... [KINDA FUNNY BUT HOW ELSE SHOULD IT BE DONE? BY THE WAY, I DIDN'T RECEIVE ANY TABO (DIPPER) AND PARANOID ME FELT SINGLED OUT FOR IT.]

Give a mug with your face on it. [WINNING STRATEGY. IMAGINE HOW VOTERS GET TO STARE AT YOUR FACE EACH MORNING THEY DRINK COFFEE!]
Be at the forefront in the distribution of all sorts of ayuda such as AICS, MAIP, TUPAD, AKAP, etc. [KINDA EFFECTIVE ALTHOUGH KINDA HMMM...]

Kiss the hand of elders out of respect whenever you see them. [JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU ARE MAGALANG OR COURTEOUS AND NOT BASTOS]

Promise voters that you'll give them a job or position once you win.
[VERY EFFECTIVE BUT DECEPTIVE! VACANCIES IN THE MUNICIPIO ARE VERY LIMITED, AND THE BUDGET MORE SO!]

Deliberately make the rival look bad, careless, heartless, anti-poor, unresponsive, disconnected, elitist, and the like through deceptive social media posts. [HUWAG TULARAN]

Get the endorsement of the influential bloc-voting INC. [MEH. EFFECTVE, I KNOW!]

Have your hands raised by a sure winner or most popular endorser. [IT WORKS. JUST BE SURE TO WEAR YOUR DEODORANT OR MAKE SURE YOUR UNDIES WON'T SAY HELLO EACH TIME YOU RAISE BOTH HANDS AND YOUR SHIRT WITH THEM.]

Get the support of the barangay kapitans/councils. [NATURALMENTE! PAG PINAGKAISAHAN KA SA BARANGAY LEVEL, YARI KA!]

If all else fails, be like Rick Astley: Promise to "Never gonna let you down, give you up, run around and desert you, make you cry, say goodbye, and tell a lie and hurt you." [LOL]